Hi, it’s me. Kailyn. And I’m back. Back from wherever this time. The 7/11 or my late night drive or maybe a hospital. It doesn’t really matter. My life is marked by great loves and losses, trips to Paris, houses I’ve lived in and books I’ve read. With each marker of time I come out a new person. Sometimes I’m more enlightened and others I’m stripped down to the bare skeleton and I have to start from scratch. I carry shame with me, yet at the same time don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks of me or my identity except those that I adore. Lately, I’m just waiting for someone to come along that I can share my secret code word with. My safe word. In the meantime I am overwhelmed with love from my family and friends and the oc- casional admirer who is really just a passerby. I am molded by the experiences I’ve had in my short life and hide relief when I’m told I’m only getting started. I drive for hours listening to Leonard Cohen and Lana del Rey and use their words to illustrate a fantasy of things I would say to those who have come and gone, taking that secret I shared with them to God knows where. I’m sure there’s a pop- ulation out there who thinks I’m crazy or insane and the funny thing is, I know I’m half crazy already. And a boy I met in ‘18 told me to stop saying that...I guess I never listened but I still listen for his text tone every day. I know who I am. There will always be this side of me that’s more comfortable with the darkness and the dys- functional. But there’s this other side that craves inner peace and believes love, crazy unhinged love can solve anything. I have to hold on to that belief because I can’t be consumed by this other ominous element. This brings us back to the original question of control. Who is in control? It lies in resolution. I have to believe that whatever version of me that exists in the future has it handled and have that same faith in the me that exists now. It’s that simple. With that being said, my name is Kailyn and it was nice meeting you.
