101023

you said we would talk Tuesday

or maybe never again

my mind wreaks havoc

i’m about to sin again

i’ve come to soft resolution

a calm before the storrm

trying to remind myself what of what I believed before

that others will come

and You may go

It’s hard to tell

my eyes are low

I can’t rememeber. when i’ve. had my last meal

all I can say is

only love is real.

contemplating capitalism

Cohen in my veins.

Halsey on my skin and Lana on my brain.

Bowie is on my back and I’m currently reading Didion talk about Joan Baez while Joan plays on my phone.

My mother has cooked me eggs and caters to my current affliction with silent judgment but I don’t hold it against her.

This moment is silent and the static that usually plays in my mind is dull and I’m contemplating capitalism.

A silent value that’s placed one my being, a discounted price over my head no less.

In this country every product, good and service is calculated based on the acceleration and benefit it provides our society.

My contribution as of late seems to be my words that no one reads, a distorted intuition and loyalty.

Feeling misunderstood is a sensation that lingers and I can romanticize it just long enough to seem “deep,” but it’s starting to leave a stench.

Its in my hair and my clothes and my studio.

So I wash my hair and take off my clothes and lie in the sun and pick at the food in front of me.

Stringing together vowels and consonants in my journal working through something I can’t remember now but was important at the time I’m sure.

I try to make them make sense and feign intelligence while my mental disposition leaves me on the “discount” shelf.

God, aren’t you so sick of this mental bs?

But this is America, and I’m either expired, out of season or damaged goods.

Doesn’t really matter.

I’m sure someone will come and pick me off the shelf and take me home.

resurrection of a bleeding heart

what’s the difference between a dopamine hit and peace?

both are fleeting, well at least in my case

the remedy is surrender

the addiction is control

the resolution can’t be complacency

but unabashedly it is

self governing illusions determining right and wrong

manic dispositions reside and fostering creativity is my resolution

my death sentence

I welcome them with a wavering and weary smile and my bleeding heart resurrecting my martyrdom yet again.

3:40 am

life’s essence of fragility

i’m threatened by my own mortality

unafraid of my morbidity

is this all life has to offer me?

I feel you look. then stare at me.

you’ve given me many gifts all filled with intimate meaning

not the one that I need the most but I can’t wait any longer

i’m trying to conceal, to not let you see

that I want you all alone to me

how perfect does “me” rhyme with “G”

just us in solidarity

a house in normandy

subscribing to notions of non-conformity

that’s where i’ll always be

lying awake at three-forty

next to you writing poetry

about what I want to be but never could be

is this all life has to offer me

longing and infidelity

if so then complacency is where i’m glad to be

violent despondence

I can feel it happening again

It’s a shame that when creativity begins to flow, I know what’s coming next

Why does it have to be the positive effects that lead to temporary demise

Yet I quietly do nothing to stop it

I think it makes me more interesting

To no one but myself

I think it makes me feel alive

But everyone around me says the real me has died

I stand with my friends

Leonard

Janis

Ashley

To me they are better than you

They understand me

We’re smarter

I’m faster

More cunning

Desirable

Fuckable

More dangerous

Manifestations hold no value anymore

You can have them I don’t care

What will your partner say?

Please

Who would love this K

He loves my laugh but not this sneer

He loves my skin but not this blood

He loves my hands but not when they shake

He loves my eyes but not when they see red

I’ve taken years

Years to fight for my life

To love all parts of me

Black, white, yellow, red and black again

He’ll have to fight too

Who though, I don’t know

I win every time

Such a beauty, such a waste

Who will love her

Nobody knows

day one

In one day I saw the number 222 three times.

I had infinite breakdowns and breakthroughs.

I learned what I wanted.

Let go of what I don’t.

In one day I lied to a stranger and betrayed myself.

I drove to save my soul.

I created my reality and my future.

In one day I touched your body by using only my mind’s eye.

In one day I joined source.

Then proved him wrong.

In one day I attained clarity.

I taught someone somewhere something.

In one day I acted from feeling good instead of acting to feel good.

Then I lost it all.

In one day you changed my life.

In one text.

In one day I then connected the dots.

Then I felt relief.

Then I corrected myself.

In one day I said je vis ma meilleure vie.

Then I spoke with my patron saint.

She told me to write this.

In one day I was misunderstood.

In one day I undid it all.

It was just one day.

That didn’t take me back to day one.

three part dialogue

You told me you wanted to stay here and start a family with me.

You told me in five years you’d be ready.

You told me I was the only reason you were still alive.

You told me you wished I was twenty years older.

You told me I was crazy because I wrote a blog post about you when I was manic.

You told me you wished I was into girls.

You told me that I made you believe in a God.

And you didn’t need to tell me anything because I went and found out for myself.

---

I told you that I’d rather die and then I broke your heart.

I told you that I would wait five years and two months later I told you to never contact me.

I told you that I overdosed and if I kept you alive why couldn’t you do the same for me?

I told you that in twenty years I’d be 39 and you’d probably be in a grave.

I told you that I liked your friend better anyways.

I told you that I wished I was into girls too but only if they tasted as sweet as you.

I told you that when I looked in your eyes God was reflected back to me.

And I never felt the urge to tell you anything else because it’s not what you said but what you did that rendered me speechless.

---

What will you tell me

What can I whisper to you

I know all the right things to say

I have amazing delivery I am a writer after all

But will I tell you the real reason why my hands shake

That it’s not because you make me nervous

Will I tell you what all the others told me

And

Will I tell you how much I want to be possessed by you

How I feel like I don’t exist unless your eyes are in mine

And

Will you temper my tremors

Will you find me in this lifetime and each one after

I wonder what you’ll tell me next

Because I believe everything they all told me before

you asked

What are you afraid of?

Dying

How can you be afraid of death?

When you commanded it so gracefully by tongue?

Death beyond my control.

Throat agape

Soft pink throat wide

I was in control

I was brave

I was sure

Despondent in gaze

Violent in heart

Rage by nature

Death didn’t beckon me

I invited him

Welcomed him

Prepared for a soft return to the black that felt so familiar

Natural in state

Warm in embrace

Quiet in breath

Slowly

Slowly

Slowly

Slowly slipping

Then ripped by my arms and thrown back into life

You saved me

But I never asked

I never wanted

I never approved

And I never thanked you.

Blog Post Title One

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.