psych ward style

Ok I wasn’t really in the psych ward but it makes for a great title. Recently I was at National Walnut Creek residential facility for fourteen days just trying to stabilize after experiencing issues due to my bipolar disorder among a couple other things that you can read about here. Since I do love fashion and I am a stylist my first concern was what to pack. What would I bring along for fourteen days that was practical but also still…chic? I mean no one else there was or should be concerned about their outward appearance and it’s for good reason. You’re there to heal, recover and get ready to be assimilated back into the real world. But me being me, I was thinking you know what, I’m going to look my best to feel my best. Actually, I only came up with that just now but it doesn’t mean I don’t agree with it. I wanted to show that I hadn’t completely given up on myself and a way of showing myself that is that I still care about what I wear and how I look, but it’s just for myself. I mean I’m not here looking to catch a date…or…no, no definitely not here. But a large part of it was to bring clothes along with me for my two week stay that I would feel most like myself in and would in someway resemble what I might wear at home for a day of lounging and repose.

So I had to pack for fourteen days, so for each day I took some sort of selfie of what I wore or my accessories. Remember that I had to pack lightly or enough for a small suitcase so I basically built a traveling capsule wardrobe of pieces that could easily be interchangeable with every other item in my case. I think I was going for coastal grandma meets streetwear meets SF Marina mom? The point is, is that by consciously doing this I had lots of outfits I could create and that I also generally felt really good in what I was wearing. Not so much in the sense that I was comfortable, which I was, I brought three cashmere sweaters, but that’s because I was still able to access that part of me that cares about style and what I wear, plus it made my stay at NWC a bit more bearable. I also made sure everyday to actually get dressed even if it was loungewear, which most of it was, so that the days seemed to have more structure and simulate what I would be doing at home which is choosing intentional outfits, doing my hair and maybe or maybe not wearing makeup. Safe to say I was the only patient here tightening her eyes and glossing my lips everyday. Not only the actual act of getting ready but also the actions of taking a picture everyday gave me something to look forward to. In my recovery articles, I think I mentioned how the days kind of all ran together at some point and that there was a lot of leisure time which I filled with writing, working (which is also writing) or exercising. Oh yeah, and smoking a lot. Besides that we really only had three groups a day, two check-ins (AM/PM) and then meals, which I didn’t partake in.

So there was a lot of time in the first few days that I really was going stir crazy (intentional use of the word crazy) so documenting my outfits helped actually ground my days at the facility. I also began to really think about how the way we present ourselves could be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves internally and of course externally. It also kind of goes with my belief that what we wear is either a direct representation of our being or that we dress for the person we want to be in the future. I digress, when I consciously would put together a look, even if it was my Eileen Fisher pants and a white tank top with my Yeezy slides, I still accessorized and did my hair and makeup. Inside, I felt more composed and I felt more willing to engage in the groups. I began to see my time there as a job and with any job you want to show up looking your best, or at least try to. Now, I also mentioned being perceived externally in the same sentence. What I mean by that was that how the staff viewed me was important to me. You want to get good remarks in the notes they’re constantly taking, so showing up in my “Sunday” best, was sending a non-verbal communication that I cared about myself. In this case everyday felt like a Sunday, because as I mentioned above, the days all seemed to blur together. By taking these pictures, which are really low quality but I like that because it almost feels intentional; it’s a bleak experience at the facility. That’s the truth, you are in a residential crisis facility that just provides you with the basics, with what you need, not what you want. These images were all captured in my room which again, was bleak. But that aspect restricted my lighting, my posing and didn’t always capture the essence of my chosen outfit. But, they’re documentation of a time in my life and I’ll always have them to remember that window that I stayed at a crisis facility for two weeks, so in a way, I like the negative space, gray lighting and the ungracefulness and inelegance of the images. They speak to the experience and what I was feeling when taking them.