a day in my life: ocd edition

For years I had always wondered why I would get hooked into these ideas, these thoughts that felt so threatening to me. For days, I would find that I would have stress and anxiety about a comment that someone made to me, a conversation that was uncomfortable or even simply about someone’s tone of voice and it would just send me off into a place in my mind that felt impossible to come back from. Replaying scenarios in my head over and over, seeking reassurance and “advice” from everyone and anyone that would listen and it still would never seem to calm my mind and if it did it wouldn’t last for more than 30 minutes and I’d be right back to that desperate and fearful place. Now, as you already know I have bipolar disorder, so initially I would always think that these thoughts and behaviors were indicative of a manic episode or perhaps even a depressive episode. About two years ago, my long time therapist suggested I seek treatment for OCD, more specifically relationship OCD (ROCD) because it seemed to manifest a lot within my relationships, romantic as well as platonic. So, I’ve been on that journey for a while now and really getting to a place of trying to be aware of the OCD spirals and also how they show up for me in relationships. I value my relationships with my family, my friends and my romantic ones and I have to always act in line with my values which means I have to consciously put in the work to make sure they are healthy and thriving.

This last week I had one of the hardest to date ROCD spirals. ROCD is when you obsess and take part in compulsions that have to do with your relationship. Asking and obsessing over questions like does my partner love me? Is my partner cheating on me? Do I really love my partner? Is there someone better for me out there? These are all normal musings for anyone but for me, when I get hooked in this spiral, these intrusive thoughts become my reality and they become threatening to my relationships. OCD preys on uncertainty and the fear based part of your brain. I picture my OCD “demon” as that Mucinex green guy from the old commercials and I kind of imagine it like this: I wonder if my partner values me?  Then my demon comes in and says, yeah, let’s really explore that but only with worst case scenarios. Off to the f*cking races. It started one day when “he” was out of town. Now, mind you we texted leading up to his trip and he even reached out during with photos and an update of what he was doing. We are in the earlier stages of dating, so I guess I already have those questions of, “where is this going?” and things of the same sort floating around my head, aka uncertainty, the breeding ground for my little demon. So, a day goes by and I know he’s back in town but no text. Ok. So, my mind goes to how could he not let me know he’s home? Which leads to, how could he not think of me enough to text me? Which escalates to (and very quickly might I add) did he meet someone on his trip and now he’s avoiding me because he’s trying to figure out how to break things off?

The compulsions begin by me talking about it with my mom and my best friend and then lead to me ruminating about every good thing that’s happened or has been said between us to try and convince myself everything is ok. I mean, every minute my mind is racing between thinking he’s going to leave me, that this is over, that I will never be loved and to being “okay” for a few fleeting seconds. I’m questioning if this was ever real to begin with and picking apart everything that slightly annoys me or worries me and making it into this major plot line that needs to be figured out immediately. It’s f*cking exhausting and now two days in, I can’t stop crying and at this point it’s not for the reason you think. Yes, it’s because of these intrusive thoughts but it’s more nuanced than that. It’s because I’ve don’t “the work” that I’m aware of what’s happening. I’m aware that there’s no real evidence or merit to these ideas. I’m aware of OCD trying to prey on my mind and I’m also aware that these thoughts aren’t coming from me. Being so hyper aware but also still having these terrifying thoughts that I’m being abandoned, which is a whole other issue on it’s own, and combined with being hooked into these thoughts causes a rift within me and it’s in between these two pillars of thought that I am in distress. How did I cope? I feel like I didn’t. I feel like I failed if I’m being honest. I tried to remember the “tools.” Give space for the thoughts, stay in the present moment, acknowledge the OCD but don’t engage, etc. I tried but mostly I cried. I cried because I felt like this is just not normal and how can I live my life like this? I also thought, who could live with someone like me? I already have bipolar and now this? What the actual f*ck? I was also thinking how it would be easier to be alone and to suffer loneliness then to be in a romantic relationship and have to go through this again. I cried and I drank tequila and tried to romanticize it because that always helps but there was no luck there either. So, crying and tequila.

Me and this person have only been seeing each other for a few months. How do you talk to someone about something like this? I’m sure most people are scared to disclose their mental illness because when you do, at least for me, I have the fear that anytime I’m upset or even if I complain it’ll be because I’m “mentally unstable”. All of these thoughts and questions just escalated and then deescalated and then escalated, I have to say I was suffering mentally and then that manifested in a physical way. All the time being an observer to my own pain and what my own mind was doing to me. The thoughts became so intense and “real” that I considered asking for my shit back and giving his back to him and ending the whole thing. He became a villain of sorts in my eyes and every good memory or thing he had ever done or said went right out the window. I put myself on such a high pedestal and him so below me I began to wonder if I was actually approaching a manic episode and thankfully I wasn’t but I’m telling you that’s how insane these intrusive thoughts were. I f*cking believed them, I just gave in to the delusion. Even though by that time we had talked and everything was fine, which it was all along, I was still over analyzing his tone over text and when he didn’t respond to my question, what else did you do on your trip? Well, you can imagine where my head went. I naturally assumed that it’s because he doesn’t want me to know that he’s hiding something. I then really took to reading other blogs and watching videos about women my age who have OCD and ROCD as well. That helped but I didn’t want to then have another compulsion and fall down a rabbit hole of watching and reading dozens of posts. I tried to engage with others, but that was hard because all I wanted to do was talk and talk about this situation. I took the whole day to just be quiet and start moment by moment doing something I had to be engaged in. Took a shower, washed my hair, skincare routine, cleaned my room, caught up on work, made some stupid TikToks, laid in the sun, smoked, smoked and smoked some more and then ran some errands.

By the end of the day I had plans to go and see “him.” Let me tell you I was really preparing to break things off or at least self-sabotage myself. The whole drive to his place I just asked the universe to guide me and to just help me have a good time. And we did, we had a great time. However, today I feel like I can so easily be triggered by silly things like not getting a text or if he doesn’t ask me to hang out as opposed to me asking him to do something. It’s hard to strike a balance between what’s a valid concern and what’s not. How do I know what voice to listen to? How do I communicate this, or if I even should communicate it? How can you ask a partner to show up for you when you’re in a state of suffering and you don’t trust them let alone yourself? I have so much anxiety already, I already have bipolar disorder which can be a lot to digest and now it’s like I said before, another thing??? I’m already a gluten-free, IBS girly with no car and at this point the character development is getting out of hand. This poor guy, he doesn’t even know, like he probably thinks everything is normal but then I’m over here literally spiraling. My next thing is to try and figure out 1. how to unhook from the spiral faster and 2. how to communicate these thoughts (and actions) without making it seem like the other person is responsible for my care but how they can support me. All of this is new to me and I can only take it as a lesson that’s needed to level up to the next phase in my life but I can’t help but look at some people and be utterly baffled and even envious of how they can move so seemingly smoothly through navigating relationships. Because I have to live with this for the rest of my life after all. There’s a lot to figure out and the only apparent way to do that is to go through it. “God picks his strongest soldiers…”  I can’t even eat bread so I don’t know what he thought when he chose me. If you have any similar experience or insight or something to share please do so because hearing similar stories alone genuinely helps. Until next time, or should I say next spiral.

UPDATE: Me and this guy are no longer dating and I’m proud to say it has nothing to do with OCD or bipolar disorder.