manic adjacent
Would you choose to live this life over again? I can’t say that I would. Already I’ve tried to escape this one. I want to appreciate this life I’ve been given but lately I’ve been dwelling on the pain it’s brought me. They say life happens for you not to you and I’ve taken that with a grain of salt for taste. The good times that have produces known joy I just can’t seem to remember as of late. However, I do remember times thinking, fuck, I wish life was like this all the time. But it’s not, and that all feels so distant sometimes. My thoughts and emotions that ebb and flow bring along joy, I know that is true. Yet they often conjure distress and distraction and of course mental distortion. I feel as if all of the parameters I have set in my head keep me from wandering too far off. Are they or were they all walls and pillars? Or are they cities made of sand that soon crumble and dissipate as if they never existed and all of the contradictions I had to live with before are set free. I’v always been attracted to irony, contradictions and dark things like cemeteries and Sylvia Plath, near knowing that the innate duality waits with bated breath far off in the sea of my mind and will come for me one day. When it did come, was I really set free?
I’m so aware that there’s so many thoughts I haven’t thought yet. Grains of ideas and inspirations and epiphanies I want to think twice. So many vowels and consonants waiting to be strung together but they’re out there, in that same sea, edging on the waves. So when I’m finally left to my own devices, I am free to go and think them, to go and find them. I wish now I could remember them all and although I can’t it’s the only time I’ve felt intelligent, tangible, real and alive. That irony I mentioned earlier, it’s here too, because I am also so constrained because no one who surrounds me can go to that place of thought and they rarely can comprehend it when I try to explain. But oh! How beautiful it is I can for a short while until my own familiar friend comes to. lay me down. Until then I’m moving in “fast forward” and everyone around me who is speaking are faded figures, blurred in the background. I know you’re trying to stop me but I can’t even hear you. The duality of my identity, the polarity of it all makes sense to me and doesn’t at all. But I find it to be beautiful. It brings intense intelligence and creativity. It gives me empathy and the incapability to judge another. It promotes my already fierce loyalty and respect for those I choose to love. Contradicting ideas that exist so harmoniously.
I need no one but require everyone at the same time.
Feeling closer to God, feeing as if I am one yet rendered powerless.
Feeling found but so lost and incapable of remembering the date.
Would kill for love, but won’t die for it.
Somehow and sometimes it all fits perfectly in my mind. So, how do I explain it to you? How can you understand? The real question is why do I need you to know? Why do I have the desperation to be known? Where does it grow because I don’t remember planting that seed. I know now, I don’t need it. I need the space to be created, that nook that I can crawl into real tight, right beneath your ribs and you can let me rest. I’m not to be met with hostility or even inquiry and you can cry for me if you like but you’d never let me know that. You simply offer soft eyes and hands and the calm knowing of the essence of who I really am: fiercely loving and loyal and that even if my mind wanders my heart never will. You couldn’t judge me even if you wanted to because how can you judge someone who doesn’t know any better and is doing the best they can with the knowledge they have at the time? I fight for my life everyday and some days I fight rougher than others. If you can do that, then I’ve found the me in you and you have seen the you in I. I could never fathom an act so cruel as judging someone based off of an affliction they never asked for.
So, now I can see the sand crumbling. So slightly grains are falling as I’ve reached all of those parameters in my mind. Some of them I don’t even know if I placed them there or if I was born with them. Now, I’m free from distress and violent despondence and I’ve almost remembered what I wanted to recall when my mind was off at sea. And I’m so happy I didn’t have to get lost this time to articulate what I’m feeling but somewhere out there that girl, that girl inside of me is reaching out and saying
Don’t forget me.
Don’t forget all of this distorted fragments you once thought.
They are valid and have a place in “there” and “here.”
Cherish and appreciate me even when you entertain complacency.
I honor her and you shall as well.