freedom is fleeting

Freedom is such an elusive concept. For everyone, it represents something different. Freedom from worrying about money. Freedom from addiction. Freedom from societal constraints. I think for me freedom represents something different, it’s something or some constraint I’ve imposed on myself. If I were free, I wouldn’t have desire. I would be free from desire and not attached to it in a way that determines my state of feeling or mind. I wouldn’t have the desire to be understood, admired, adored or the desire to be loved by those that clearly do not share the same sentiment. I wouldn't desire for others to perceive me the way I perceive myself. I would not have to divulge my delusions or justify them for that matter. They exist within me and matter to me, that’s enough. Or at least it should be. I wouldn’t have to explain or divulge my demons or my good omens. I wouldn’t have the desire to explain or convince.

I’ve released the desire or should I say the standard that my lover has to be self-aware as I. That they have to have the same struggles or even understand my own. I don’t need them to necessarily “see” me as I view myself. What I need is someone to hold space for me. A space where they can admit their defeat in trying to relate to me or try to save or fix me. I’ve been doing that on my own since I was 15 and I think I’m doing an okay job. He can aid me in cultivating what it means to love myself, that’s one thing. But what it’s not is to have a partner, lover or even friend to take control and dictate what I’m doing is wrong or if it’s right. Because one thing I’ve learned is that there is no real “right” or “wrong” rather it’s what you assign that meaning to the action. Or reaction. I need to have my freedom to smoke too much, drink too much and process my own mortality. I need to challenge my preordained notions imposed on my by my generation and generations before that dictate what a proper existence looks like.

Lizzy says, nobody’s son, nobody’s daughter. Ashley screams, I belong to no city, I belong to no man. Testaments to the idea that our circumstances determine our self worth and our place in this life. I was born into this life with my own programmed beliefs of my purpose and place in this world. They should not be dictated by parents, religious figures or even social media. Yet in a way, they are. My responsibility is to think for myself and set my own rules and to not capitulate. I belong to me, yet I am a slave to my mind and a servant to my heart and soul. However, still cursed by my own contradictions that I want to be possessed by a man, or generally speaking, love. I set this upon myself, but I did that on my own. Today, tonight and the foreseeable next few days, my freedom is in the sensation of being numb. It lies in a bottle of red, white or pink. Blue tablets. I told you once I’d do anything for peace and that’s not what you thought did you? I said I’d do anything, and I meant it. It’s not your version or what you want to hear. But it’s mine. I decided and I created it and I feel free. For now at least.